Getting ready for Arlington

I will bury my husband in four days at Arlington National Cemetery.  I am not ready to bury him but it needs to be done and it is where he needs to be.  I have found comfort looking at, talking to and touching the beautiful wooden box that holds his ashes over the past three months.  I don’t want to put Ben in the ground but then again I don’t want him gathering dust in our home.  Ben’s burial will be the final display of military pomp and circumstance.  He deserves all of it.  I am so proud of him and his service to our country.  My handler told me that there will be “a lot of brass” at the burial.  I really don’t care.  I really wish they wouldn’t come. I’m curious what Ben would think of it all. He reached out to many of them for assistance and guidance in regards to this Afghan advisor billet. He didn’t get much response or support so why would they give it now?

Notes

I have been writing thank you notes to the wonderful people that have reached out to my family these past months.  It has been hard.  I didn’t think it was going to be so hard.  In fact, I can’t get over how hard it is and how much I cry.  I cry remembering good times with good friends.  I cry at the thought that someone else is grieving the loss of my husband.  I cry at the thoughtfulness of strangers writing to me and acknowledging his sacrifice.  I cry at the kindness of others when they share a special memory or story about my husband.  It has been hard yet it is good to feel so much and to remember. Writing these notes allows me personal and intimate time with my thoughts and feelings.  It is a sad and heartbreaking journey that is so tender and private.  One that makes me feel so loved yet so alone.