Last dance

Ben loved to dance.  The first night I met him, he was going down to Mexico to dance.  A few weeks later I was in Mexico with him sweating it out on the dance floor until the early morning hours.  Neither of us were very skilled but it was fun.  We had some great times on the dance floor over the years but I have to confess as I got older I was less inclined to stay out past midnight.  Ben never slept and so on occasion I think I disappointed him when I said that I was done for the evening.  We went to Aruba together before he left for Afghanistan.  One night there was a huge crowd at a bar on the beach and the music was playing.  We joined in and had a great time.  On the way home, Ben thanked me for staying out late and dancing with him.  I was taken aback when he said this to me at the time and I think about it often now that he is gone.  It touched me so deeply that after so many years together he still spoke the words that acknowledged his appreciation for me and of our time together.  I will forever cherish him, our life together and continue to dance with him in my heart and memories. 

Cheerleading, prayer, death and strength

A few weeks ago, Katie came home from cheer practice bursting with excitement.  She shared with everyone that it had been determined that she would be a flyer this year.  A flyer is a person that is lifted into the air when the squad is performing stunts.  I was a little surprised, as last year she was happy to provide support as a base and had no interest in being a flyer.  I supported her news and was excited for her.  Last night at the football game, all the girls did a super job and there was Katie being elevated so high during the various stunts throughout the game.  During one stunt, when she alone was being supported high over the heads of the other girls, I saw her there, so strong against the bright blue sky.  In that one moment, I thought it was a perfect reflection of her life and time.  It demonstrated how she had supported others and now it was her time to be supported.  It reflected that by the power of many prayers, my daughter was lifted up closer to God, her father and how she has drawn strength from that experience.  Yes, cheerleading, God, death and prayer….it all correlates!  At least I didn’t identify with a cow!  But I guess I’m just a little bit like Jenna these days, making connections in unusual ways. I think it is all about how we make sense of the world and our experiences.  It is how we are able to cope and continue on in our life journey. 

Making connections

I took Jenna on a fieldtrip to a small family farm yesterday. We had the opportunity to feed and pet the farm animals. The farmer shared about each of the animals and how they came to her farm. She shared the story of a 10 week old cow named Standford. Standford's mother had died a few days after he was born and the previous owner didn't want to bottle feed him so he was sold. Jenna looked at me and excited said, "That's just like me, Mommy! Daddy died a few days after my birthday". I smiled and hugged her tight.

Mommy, you’re a widow now. Yes Jenna, I answered. Well, what does that make me, she inquired?

Tired

Life is making me so tired these days.  It really is a sad statement since I am not doing anything but living my life day by day yet I find it draining.  Maybe because it just seems so boring.  I find myself not looking forward to anything.  Then again, what is there to look forward to?  My day consists of waking up, going  to work, picking  up the kids,  eating dinner, toting the kids to various activities, watching  TV and then going to bed alone.  On the weekends, I prepare the house and kids to get ready to do it all over again on Monday morning.  It used to be that I would lead this life in anticipation of the next phone call, email or letter.  I was always counting down the days to homecoming, always knowing that this parallel life would not last forever but now….. I just don’t know.  Maybe this is my forever life and I just need to go to bed a little bit earlier so I’m not so tired anymore.    

Unbelievable

My husband is dead.  It still seems so unbelievable to me.  The reality of his death just seems so crazy.    I remember that feeling of shock and disbelief that I felt when I saw the Marines at the door.  The intense suddenness of that news delivered in one short sentence was and is too startling to truly comprehend.  I think though that is the way death often is.