Ben still owes me an L

When we were living in California, I decided that Ben should buy me a BMW when I finished my master’s degree.  It was one of those things that you say when you are young and living in So Cal. When Ben heard this though, he was very excited.  In the following weeks he would bombard me with all sorts of number sequences such as 535, 335, 328 and 540.  He wanted to know which BMW I was interested in.  I never could answer that question. Those little numbers didn’t mean anything to me.   All I knew at the time was just BMW.  One day, however, that all changed.  I was taking my daily walk with my students when I spied this beautiful blue BMW.  I knew that this was the one car that I wanted.  I quickly looked at the number sequence and memorized it so I could share my discovery with Ben.  Later that night, I excitedly repeated the numbers to Ben.  He exploded with laughter.  You see, I had stated BMW 740 iL.  I had no idea that this car was one of the most expensive luxury models that BMW sold.  I personally didn’t think it was that funny!  Anyway, life went on for many years and it became a family joke.  I don’t know exactly when he decided that he was actually going to buy me one.  I also really do not know how he kept it a secret but he did.  One day while driving with Ben, he pulled into a gas station and pulled around back.  Sitting there was a beautiful BMW.  He simply said “that’s yours.”  I didn’t really believe him but sure enough he had bought me my BMW.  He had bought me my 740i off of EBay and had it shipped down to us.  He had arranged everything.  It was perfect in every way but most of all because it was a gift from him.  In the years that followed, however, I would occasionally tease him that he still owed me an L.  

This week sorta sucks and it's not even over yet!

On Monday morning bright and early at 0800, my children and I reported to the DEERS / Rapids office to get our new IDs.  It was a rather quick and easy process.  The young Marine that was helping us said few words after I presented him with my ID, and the dreaded DD 1300.  But then again, what is there to say?  My children and I efficiently filled up the empty airspace with grief humor which always goes over well in all situations.  We are never at a loss for words!  The Marine worked diligently and soon after presented us with our new IDs.  We are now card carrying members of the “DEC” club.  It is pretty sobering to say the least.  I have to say though at least my children still retain “child” status in relationship to their father.  I’m stuck with “DB.”  I am now a beneficiary.  I get that I am no longer married and so therefore not a spouse, wife or ever a dependent but it just sorta sucks.

On Tuesday morning I encountered a spouse who was very vocal about her feelings of why a service member would willingly go to Afghanistan.  According to her views, a service member would only go for the money.  She stated that if a service member would have a choice to go or stay home with family, the decision would only be made to go because of the increase in pay.  I stood and listened, all the while biting the inside of my lip and digging my nails into my arm in order to keep it together.  Honor, courage, commitment, service to Corps and County…..I guess that never crossed her mind.  Anyway, that just sucked.

On Wednesday, I mistakenly deleted the answering machines not at home message that Ben made.  I will no longer be able to hear his voice.  As soon as I realized my mistake, my chest tightened up, I found it hard to breath and I sobbed.  I am glad that no one was home to witness me or what I had done because it really, really sucks…..

Anger

Soon after my husband died, I attended the annual conference for TAP’S (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) up in Washington, DC.  Admiral Mike Mullen, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff was a guest speaker.  Afterwards his wife sought me out in the audience as Admiral Mullen had just finished writing my sympathy card that morning.  She insisted that I speak with her husband.  She took my hand and guided me over to him.  We spoke briefly.  He asked me how my husband had died and then went on to comment that it was unusual to come across the death of a LtCol.  

Today I read an article about a mentor advisor team in Afghanistan that is being led by a USMC Captain.  This news coupled with the words of the Admiral, fueled my first bit of anger toward Ben's death.  It made me cry heavy, hot tears.  My anger lashed out in all directions. Why is a team being led by a Captain?  Is this the same type of leadership billet that my husband had filled just a few weeks ago? Did my husband die while doing a job that a Marine 10 years his junior could have done?  If so, why was his name put up against that position and given no other options.  It was literally a dead end job for him. 

Or on the other hand...... Did the United States Marine Corps run out of Field Officers that could be a team leader?  Are they too busy taking up space and tripping over each other at our FOBs in Afghanistan? Maybe they are too busy with their own career advancements to think about actually leading Marines. 

All of this just makes me angry but I have to let it go. 


Buddha says "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

I get it.....

Flagpole

Yesterday evening, my neighborhood, Carolina Colours dedicated a flagpole in memory of my husband.  The dedication ceremony was well attended by many neighbors wearing red in honor of our military.  My children hoisted the first flag.  I spoke briefly at the ceremony and wanted to share a little bit of my comments....


I came across this quote recently.  I thought it was very fitting for today's occasion. 


"The flag doesn't wave because the wind blows it.  It waves with the last breath of every service member that has given his life for this grand and great nation."


So today as my children raise our nation's flag up the newly dedicated flagpole, I will remember my husband and all those who have fallen in defense of our country.  I will also honor their service and be forever grateful for the sacrifice they have made.